The divorce rate in our nation is not what one would call desirable at approximately 50 percent. There are many factors that go into decisions to file for divorce. They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Let’s talk about that ounce -- more specifically, the red flags during courtship.
Why do we ignore them?
As children growing up, we heard many tales of living happily ever after. Though reality crept into our lives prior to being married, one of the areas reality has difficulty penetrating is the fortress of the notion of a lifelong happy marriage to one person. While this is especially true for females, apparently, it is often true for males, though they are loathe to admit it.
In the normal course of dating, if the process takes long enough, we may notice some rather disturbing things in the one we have decided to marry. This can take a million forms, but regardless the form, those things are the red flags we choose to overlook.
Why do we do this? More often than not, the reason is because we choose to believe once they are married to us, the behavior will go away, that our love will be the remedy for their poor behavior. Or, to put it another way, we believe we can change them. We hope beyond hope they will come to love us so much, they will stop acting that way. It’s a rare thing, actually, for us to give it that much thought. We simply glide over it, taking our assumptions for granted as though our wishes will magically come true.
A woman is going to be married to a man who, in her way of thinking, intentionally leaves his dirty laundry strewn about the house. In some ways, she may see this as a sign he “needs her” to look after him, so in an odd way, it is an endearing trait. She may even view this behavior on his part as a subtle announcement of his need for her. Eight years from now, however, it is wearing considerably thin, even becoming quite annoying, especially when she has complained about his habit for the past few years. Invariably, it seems, other idiosyncrasies about him will appear which, when combined with the dirty laundry habit, become an insurmountable barrier to happiness. Thus, they will be scheduling appointments with their respective lawyers in pursuit of relief.
A man observes the way his date acts toward children as being quite intolerant while they are on an outing in a local amusement park. But, he tells himself the children are being unruly and she’ll feel differently toward her own children when the time comes. Well… maybe not. Will this red flag be the seed which becomes a full-grown thorn bush? Time will tell.
Avoidance is the Best Policy
The best thing we can do for ourselves when assessing a prospective mate is to not ignore the red flags we see in them while we are dating. Red flags can range from snoring to long periods of no communication, to unlimited variations on the theme.
The first thing we must do is decide if we are overemphasizing the annoying behavior: is this really something that I can’t live with in a mate? Unfortunately, this is the part of the process where we tend to fool ourselves the greatest, usually stemming from not knowing ourselves well enough to know what we can and can’t tolerate for the long haul.
The next thing we must do is sit down and talk with the one we are considering for marriage, deciding between us whether this behavior can be eliminated. It may also be beneficial to give the other person a chance to speak about things we do that annoy them. This step is almost never is put into practice until after the honeymoon, likely because neither wants to upset the apple cart too much for fear of losing the relationship. In having that conversation, it needs to be very clear that these concerns are serious.
If the significant other agrees to stop the behavior, watch for it to return. If it doesn’t, you have a keeper. If it does, it’s time for some serious reconsideration. Watch for it to return until the marriage day.
The warning signs that you overlook today can play a large role in the divorce proceedings later. Even behaviors that seem “cute” today can turn into big annoyances when coupled with others which were annoying from the start. So, listen to yourself when you see something that doesn’t agree with how you think a loving, mature adult should behave. You’ll thank yourself later.
